he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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