I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
