Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
