So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
