My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
