it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize