I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
