My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
