I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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