why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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