Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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