shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
