i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
