I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pooping to opera.
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