First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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