Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
