The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
