i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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