i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
