I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
