I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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