When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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