remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
