Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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