everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Michael Bay diarrhea
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
