...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my shit smells like andre
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
