I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
