My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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