never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Randomize
