it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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