Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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