God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
