his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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