Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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