Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
