Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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