You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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