She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
