I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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