god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize