I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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