In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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