you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
