Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
