I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
