Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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