Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
