And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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