I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
