Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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