my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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