Already got asked if we're dating
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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