Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
