If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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