Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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