fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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