Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
