There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
