Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
did i just pee glitter
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