I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize