my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
